Dim Lits for the Dim Wits

H.R.2454 – American Clean Energy And Security Act of 2009To create clean energy jobs, achieve energy independence, reduce global warming pollution and transition to a clean energy economy.” (Link)

H.R. 2454 is a bill going through the U.S. Congress. In its present state it is wrong on so many levels. However a more proper amendment to this bill would greatly curtail energy usage and safeguard the American dream for generations to come.

The fundamental application of the amendment would punish abusers of foreign-fed American energy in relation to their misuse of electrical equipment. The language follows, “… after concluding the technology users have asked too many stupid technical questions federally regulated utility commissions will discontinue all services to the primary residence of the individual…“. Furthermore, when it has been concluded the user “consistently proves unable to comprehend and incorporate safe computing practices jeopardizing national security, said individuals will be assigned to instructor-led re-education encampments.

The re-education process is the true genius of the proposed amendment. Juveniles from local middle and high schools will develop the curriculum, conduct teaching and assessment. Required competencies will include search engine (basic and intermediate), file management, email hoax research, and stripping out header information in long emails. The program is known as No Parent Left Behind.

A recent study conducted by Gartner Research  indicate the savings in energy consumption yielded by this amendment would be in the billions of dollars annually.  Those unable to be responsible technically and self-learning would be eliminated from the workforce. In their place under-employed programmers would emerge from their parents basements and take their place in the gainfully employed workforce. Gridlock and congestion that plague our roads and highways would become a thing of the past as teleworkers and online collaboration allow people to really use technology for more than word processing and email. The United States education system would be reinvigorated as modern subjects such as online banking take the place of dated topics like balancing a checkbook with paper records.

Supporters of the amendment voiced their support on Saturday at a recent flash mob held in 10 cities across the country. Chants of “lights out for lame-os” filled the air as an estimated 250 thousand people came together around  Starbucks.

Opponents of the bill could not be contacted since they rarely check their emails or facebook wall for updates.

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